le tired

a typical week

 My apologies to all, I have been le tired lately (read: for the last year) and not been the best friend to some (read: pretty much all) of you - a mostly unrelated, but very funny video. It's actually been just over a year since we started dealing with my son's addiction. It goes up and down like a roller coaster that doesn't end, where you aren't securely fastened in your seat, and where you can't tell when the next drop, turn or plateau is coming.

Months ago one (of the many, many) addiction counselors I talk to pointed out that involved mothers (say ones who had for years been working with school staff advocating for a ADHD child) tended to be the best enablers. Good thing that didn't apply to me I thought smugly; what did she know, 20years in treating addiction? Then yesterday (and last week) my son's Guidance counselor pointed out - very directly - exactly how I was enabling him.

merde

connerie

baiser

foutre

tringler

baise

(because swearing just sounds better in perfect fucking French)

I suppose I had to hit my bottom, I thought I was letting him feel the consequences of his choices, but I have been softening the blow (see above list). 

"Take away the pain, you take away progress" a quote from my parent's group reading last night. So, I am letting him feel the pain, and it hurts not just him, but me - a lot. So, I will assume this is me making progress - I hope, and that at some point I will let go and  learn something and find some peace - I hope. But before that things are going to be painful (see above list) for the whole family.

I am getting better at taking care of myself first, and this month I am going to spend 5 days beside the ocean with a wonderful friend. We are going to see Krishna Das, eat chocolate, see whales, do yoga and basically be artsy hippies.

Mostly I just want to sit by the water. 

I can't wait.

not to scale