Wednesday, April 11, 2007
CUBISTS LAUNCH UNNAVIGABLE WEB SITE
Conceptual Realism Dominates Site No One Will Be Able to Use Anyway
MADRID, SPAIN (SatireWire.com) — The International Society of Cubists officially launched its Web site today, a brilliant rejection of natural form and perspective that metaphysically establishes the implication of movement, analytically redefines spatial relationships, and is an absolute bitch to navigate.
"What the hell is this? I can't tell how to get anywhere," one of the site's first visitors told the Cubist Society's Webmaster-Curator, Paulo Cassat. "Is this art, or is this a Web site?"
"Thank you," Cassat responded.
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According to Society President Francisco Bernioz, the group launched the site to bring attention to Cubism, which was founded in the early 20th Century by Pablo Picasso and Georges Braque. The Society also hopes to establish a scholarship fund for young cubist painters and sculptors. However, at a public showing of the site here in Spain's capital, most initial visitors were clearly uncomfortable with the design, especially the artists the site intends to help.
"This site is going to turn people off," complained one young sculptor. "I mean, how do I get from the home page to, say, the fundraising form?"
"You must be willing to abandon your pre-conceived notions of traditional Web design," replied Bernioz, "and disregard its nefarious standards of foreshortening, modeling, and chiaroscuro (the distribution of light and shade)."
"Uh-huh. But how do I find the link?" the young man persisted.
"You must embrace the idea that the link exists," said Bernioz, "for once that idea is established, form itself can be forgotten."
"You don't know where it is, do you?"
"Not specifically, no," Bernioz conceded. "It's there somewhere. I think on a nonsequential parallel plane right behind the polygonal search box."
The site — digital graphics, text, and HTML on browser — has fared no better with art critics, who immediately accused the cubists of stealing the absurd navigation and layout from MSNBC.com.
Editor's Note: Due to popular inquiry, we are forced to make the following statement: there is no cubist Web site. It is a fictional site review by a real person. For real site reviews by a fictional person, please see Mr. Clickwell.
Copyright © 1999-2002, SatireWire.
Monday, April 02, 2007
ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA
SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs
Beijing (SatireWire.com) — Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.
"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.
"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.
Author's note: Strangely enow, this SatireWire story lately has been zipping around the 'Net attributed to John Cleese. That's flattering and funny and all, but now I'm getting so many emails asking who "really" wrote it that it will make my life easier to nip it here. I apologize for any disappoinment, but the story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002, and was subsequently published in several major newspapers, including this version still available at The Washington Post. So that's the deal. All the best -- Andrew.