Wednesday, September 05, 2012

pppffftttt aka People Don't Behave

So, I'm sulking. Lower lip protruding. Arms crossed. Brows furrowed. Not talking to you. Shun on.

Also I'm mad at everyone -- yes, yes I know this is my ego having a tantrum, but I feel injured and unappreciated. So, I'm going to throw this pity party for myself and no one else is invited because I'm not speaking with any of you anymore. Talking my toys and going home. Going to hang with my dog and you all can sod off.

I did what I thought was a brave thing yesterday - I was genuinely frighted for me, and for my daughter. We were in a situation that could have gone poorly. My car overheated in the kind of neighbourhood that before I got out of the car to check the coolant level, I handed my phone to Lizz, locked the doors and told her to stay alert. We'd been at an audition and I was dressed nicely, I felt a bit like I had a target over my head - cute woman with a car that isn't working, really cute young girl in car.

I managed it, (topped up coolant and then drove through the 90 degree city heat with the heat blasting to keep the engine cool), and got us home. The heat didn't trigger Lizz's asthma ( or mine ), thankfully.

I guess I was looking for a pat on the head, an acknowledgement, or maybe someone saying 'wow! that sounds like it would have been scarey!'

Or Something, but
No. Nada. Nothing.
Not a Single Fucking Thing.

I even Told people, and I could have been talking about dinner ingredients for the concern that was expressed.

Lizz was there, she appreciated what happened, she said that she had no intention of staying in the car if anyone had attacked me since she outranks me and is much better at Hapkido than I am, stubborn girl, don't know where she gets it from. I worked very hard to look cool and relaxed, but I she likely realized I was pretty anxious.

Once I get over myself I get back to being my regular zen-like self, for now I'll read some more David Whyte.

"Whether our affections are caught in romantic love, trying to see our neighbors as ourselves or trying to love a great but distant God, our love rarely seems to be returned in the mode that it is given. That gift is returned in ways that to begin with, we rarely recognize. Human beings live in disappointment and a self-appointed imprisonment when they refuse to love unless they are loved the self-same way in return. It is the burden of marriage, the curse of parenting and the central difficulty in our relationship with an imagined, living God. The great discipline seems to be to give up wanting to control the manner in which we are requited, and to forgo the natural disappointment that flows from expecting an exact and measured reciprocation, from a partner, from a child, from a loving God."

- David Whyte
from Readers' Circle Essay, "Unrequited Love"


dragondivine said...

Wow, Ruth! Okay, I'm afraid that this is going to sound like I'm just saying this because of what you've written, but I'm not. Because that really does sound scary. I don't like driving in cities (mostly when I am the driver and especially by myself--it's pretty okay the rest of the time), and if my car had broken down I'd've been terrified and not known what to do. I'd be very panicky. So, yeah, as I've stated repeatedly in the past: You are Awesome! And I'm VERY glad that nothing happened to you. Your facebook postes were slightly cryptic and I was sitting here getting all bouncy because I didn't know what was going on... (read them in order that you posted them--just many hours later).

Ruth Elliott said...

well don't use that as a reason to not go into cities, just know how to handle yourself. I could have stayed in the car and called the police, honked the horn... if things looked really menacing, or I had to I could have driven away with my overheated engine to somewhere more public. There's always something you can do. Doesn't mean you won't be frightened, it just means that you deal with it so it doesn't handicap you.
and THEN go for ice cream or chocolate :-)