Thursday, May 17, 2012

It rubs the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the hose again.

Okay, creepy reference. If you got it, I'm sorry, if you didn't, just as well.

I'm in a mood.

I'm feeling uncomfortable in my own skin today, can't put my finger on exactly where, but I'm restless; I'm irritable; I'm discontent. I can't maintain a cohesive train of thought.

I have to make a decision. 

I don't want to. I really, really don't want to. I want to take my toys and go play somewhere else. I want to stamp my feet, I want to punch someone - really.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm not the Dali Lama today.

I resent - I resent a LOT - the selfish individuals that have put me in this impossible place. I am truly surprised at their thoughtlessness, cruelty and self-centered behaviour. I want to write them a nasty letter, call them and tell them off properly, I want to do all sorts of immature, ultimately sabotaging activities.

but I won't.

I have to take the f@#%ing high road - again - because they won't. They will always play dirty, it's what works for them.

I will put my injured ego aside, and try to make a good enough decision. Good enough, there is no difficult-but-right decision, no-clever-compromise solution, no way to do this where someone doesn't feel hurt, conflicted and/or betrayed. Most likely that someone will be me, and I'm a little bit tired of "sucking it up", "taking one for team", "being the adult in the room". 

Did I mention I resented the Hell out of being put in this position?

Seriously, why can't people behave decently? 

There, that was the sound of the last straw breaking. 

After this I'm done. 

No more trying to find compassionate middle ground, no more compromises to accommodate aging infantile egos. There is nothing I can do that would have them see me as a human being, as a person, a mother, as someone capable of being deeply hurt by their actions. To them I am the convenient villain, the place to project their own fears on.

And now, I'm suppose to detach with love.
(rude sound)

There is no best solution for my kids, for me, even for their dad. They are truly master manipulators, I suppose over 50years of practicing makes you pretty good.

That's it. 

Now I have to do what one of my favourite teachers, Pema Chodron says:

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look."

She also says many more wise compassion things.

Time to put on my Big Girl panties and deal with the way things are, instead of wasting energy on they way I think they should be.

Still, one should never underestimate the power of a good and proper Hissy Fit.



KatFox said...

Sometimes it takes a good hissy fit to squeeze ourselves into those big girl panties. They don't always seem like they're the right size... ;)

This Pema Chodron person sounds very wise. I will have to look at more of her stuff.

You are a wonderful person with big girl panties of steel. Go forth and be strong.

~Your left brain

Callooh said...

Pema IS very wise and compassionate, and does not put up with bullshit, at least that is the way I see her.

I'm better now, hissy fit done - but there is no guarantee that I won't have another one - or two, but I will get over those as well.

I think it is that act of coming back to yourself after the tears and anger, that is what makes us human, never becoming angry is not an option (unless you want to grow ulcers).

Thank you.

Your Right Brain