Friday, December 08, 2006

Dear Santa .....

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on
demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two
cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school
playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several
Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on
the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when
I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which
I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are
strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the
grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of
my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant
windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't
broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a
secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to
boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three
pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the
living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems
to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time
to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of
eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a
Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten
the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a
vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you
could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment
as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under
the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come
in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs
on the carpet.

Yours Always, MOM...!

P.S. One more can cancel all my requests if you can keep my
children young enough to believe in Santa.


Anonymous said...

ROTFL!! You, and every other "Mom" around the planet!:) This was awesome!:)

Callooh said...

thanks! a friend sent it to me, I could add few things.... a laundry and a kitchen fairy, super-powered sleep (the superhero power that allows to feel fully rested after 3hours of interupted sleep), and an entropy-free super force shield to surround my son, who enters a room, and things immediately start falling off shelves..... (after the crashes and the long silence there comes the bouncy reply... "I'm OKAY!!) -- oh, and my kids still believe in santa, and so do I :-)

Anonymous said...

What great writing - I love the P.S. particularly. You're a great mom and a good person and you deserve to have all the gifs on your list...

Callooh said...

gee Gary... don't go being so sweet, I'm barely holding this Christmas together with elastics and duct tape, it's hard enough not crying at the end of our Christmas stories at night (last night read Yes Virgina there is a Santa Claus, and a few others, barely without tissues).
I AM lucky, my kids have somehow escaped the harshness of the age, and DO still believe, but that laundry fairy would be sweet.... sigh!
thanks Gary, you deserve all your list too... (I think some of our things may overlap, and someday the world just may get them)