Friday, July 28, 2006

Canadian Border Security

Sorry I haven't been keeping up with everyone, and I'm leaving shortly for Long Island for the first week of August - but I promise to get caught up on my return.
I just couldn't resist this one before I left!

Source: Manitoba Herald, Canada

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The actions of President Bush are prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," a border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. "They did have a nice little NapaValley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. We're going to have some Peter, Paul & and Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said.




11 comments:

Gary said...

This is truly brilliant! Very witty - have me chuckling out loud...

I would suggest that they all be bound in duct tape and sent to France. Unless they can play hockey - then they can stay.

Callooh said...

France, idée incroyable!! but it may produce a national duct tape sortage...
how many art history majors do you know who can play hockey?

living in the US and having Canadian citizenship gets me the most amazing amount of mariage proposals (men and women) - but I don't think it's just me they love.... sigh!

ps that is the only thing I got when I googled "liberal postage stamp" images - go figure...

Sothis said...

At least Canadians are much nicer than Europeans (at least much nicer than the Belgians--I feel like I am living in the Arkansas of Europe). Sending foreigners to France is more of a punishment than you can possibly image. There is a terrible right-wing backlash against immigrants from anywhere in Europe right now. It's a little scary.

Have fun on Long Island--is it for business or pleasure?

Lance Morrison said...

Oh, that's rich. I loved this post.
Maybe The Boyfriend and I can rent our our spare room to illegal aliens. Sort of create an underground railroad of sorts.
They need to vote either NDP or Green Party though.... that's the only requirement.
Have a great trip.

Callooh said...

Sothis - I think that was Gary's idea.... still, I worry about the wasted duct tape.

Long Island is both, I'm meeting with my publisher and doing some readings, going to NYC and meeting some of the people I have been working with for the last 2 years, but haven't met. Maggie, my dear on-line friend, is coming from England. Very excited... and still unprepared aarrrrggghhh!


Lance - how bout this, I pick the best of the marriage proposals I get, marry 'em (or 'er) make them legal, get my hair done (like my red highlights are sooo gone) and you can house them, obviously I will carefully screen them for you. (and like I'd have anything thing to do with a conservative!) Thanks, plan to have fun - first trip on my own I think .... um ... um ... well lets just say its been a long long time.

glenda said...

Oh, but you are sooooo creative. Love it!
Have a safe trip!

Lance Morrison said...

Okay! You've been on vacation for what nine years now?!?? Hurry up and get back to your computer and let us read.

Callooh said...

Lance, okay okay, I'm back! It was wonderful! Blog appearing soon.... but it does feel nice to be missed....

Callooh said...

and btw I DO (soon to be DID) have other blogs...

Lance Morrison said...

Yup... read them too. Still waiting for more left-wing socialist antics from here though.
Happy Belated Birthday, by the way.

glenda said...

Hope you are still on vacation and having fun.