Monday, June 26, 2006

falling asleep


It will be the raw beauty
I will recall

when fear comes for me
with his deep open and
soulless mouth
forever screaming
out his blackness

I am so small and
I am afraid

afraid of the seductive edges
of his mouth
his embracing kiss
his captivating darkness

his chill infuses me - as
I compose my goodbye
gripping my own soul
with ruined hands

it's his night now,
sprinkled with the same stars
illuminated by the same moon

I knew before

when I trusted
in raw beauty

I cannot hear
my own words
to write this
I have only his cold embrace

still, tonight I will
write these aching lines
crawl through them
rubbing jagged truth under
my cold skin
within my eyes
into my still heart

this letting go is so long
and this living
so short

This poem started off as one thing, then changed itself into another.
It was about a person, who was a crutch, a turning point (an important one), for my life, but as I worked on it, it became a truth about me. It is the last thing I have written , and lately, I don't have the desire to 'pick up my pen' again.

I've been on another journey of sorts, one of self healing and discovery and it seems to be taking much of my time. For the last four days I've had to fight to keep myself from sleeping all day. All this emotional work apparently can make you physically exhausted as well. Doesn't seem fair, I'm eating alot sorts of "good-for-me" things, and have cut out all the "bad-for-me" things - and I feel like I've been hit by I truck.

I used to paint, but haven't been able to for a year now - this is (most of) the last (completed) illustration I did for a children's book. Then I just stopped painting. The reasons were complicated and very simple. The author and I are gearing up again, but all the pressure is on me, and then leads straight to my fears - one being that I will be seen for the imposter I am.

I recently set some "very-healthy-and-realistic-limits" on a very important relationship to me (my new skill, limit-setting) and now feel like I've lost a best friend, a lover (that I never had - but thought I did, my own silly fantasy). I suppose I'm grieving, I know I'm hiding and trying to come to terms with it, but this self knowledge does not seem too helpful today.

There's a quote that goes well with this whole "Leap of Faith" that I'm taking by leaving my old ways and growing into new ones, the author is unknown, but it's from a Unitarian Universalist Sermon I once heard

"When we come to the edge of all the light we have
And we step into the darkness, the unknown
We will find something solid we can stand upon
Or I believe that we will surely learn to fly."

I'm on the edge,
but I think I may be falling.

So, perhaps I have made sleep my drug of choice - I don't drink, eat meat, dairy, wheat, corn or refined sugar - not many indulgences left... (I do however eat small amounts of dark chocolate). When I started this journey a friend said I would feel "better" - "better pain", "better loss", "better everything" - well I can vouch for that now.

"So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange
a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground. What have we found?
The same old fears,
wish you were here. "
~Pink Floyd, Wish You Were Here

Anyhow, time for my nap....


The Future Was Yesterday said...

The constant desire to sleep may be due to depression. Hard physical excercise, i.e. walking, running, swimming, may help. If not, you may want to consider seeing your doctor, but be sure he's aware of all the turmoil in your life.

Mary said...

Depression gets the best of all of us at some time or another. I agree w/TUA on exercise and Dr. They both helped me through a hard time. I got through it and you will too.

Haider Droubi said...

intresting post...full of life's mood...
we all need a change..we really do

pissed off patricia said...

Concur with all above comments and would just add that being good to yourself is not a sin.

The best lesson my therapist taught me was to allow myself to make mistakes without thinking it's the end of the world if I do. She taught me to treat myself the way I would treat the person I loved most in the world. That helps me so much.

Sothis said...

Get thee to your doctor--NOW! That is a sign of depression. You need a referral to a good therapist, my friend. Don't make me come back to the States (I'm proably on the no fly list by now).

I know how you feel. I quoted "Wish you were here" to the husband two days ago--when you feel you are caged, when you feel like you have given up freedom for stability, it can crush you.

Please, don't stop writing and creating art. It is therapeutic. You have to write something, everyday.

Callooh said...

TUA - does gardening and yoga count? I do meditate and my doc(s) and I are close not to worry.

Mary - thank you, this was me expressing my day instead of curling up - I do exercise, and am close with my docs - coming off a 4 day migraine may have been part of it too.

HD - working very hard on that life change! thanks

PoP - nice to myself! outrageous! no no, you see I'm nice to everybody else, feed the hungry, defend the downtrodden, taking care of my kids etc etc.... yeah yeah, mine tell me the same thing - working on it... ;-) thanks!

sothis - got one, going to my reg doc this week anyhow - happy mom? ;-) - but if it would make you come back...... I am actually creating a very large collage self portrait as a project for an interview someone did on me - not painting, drawing or writing, but it is creating. thank you for your love and concern, will take Pink Floyd out of the CD player in the van now...

Lance Morrison said...

Why has no one suggested a trip to the hairdressers?

You're over due for a trip to The T-dot, and my offer still stands... all mullets aside.

Replace the Pink Floyd with Madonna, Eartha, and Donna Summer (anything you can dance or sing too; you've done enough crying ot music, it's time to get up and dance!)

Holiday! Celebrate!

Callooh said...

Lance - damn you're good. Ertha it is, and oh I do NEED to dance, and do not get me started about my hair... it's making me nuts.

TO? veeery tempting, dancing? hair (no mullet of course), and celebration? did I say you were good? I meant fantastic.

maggie Huscroft said...

I had to see this to find out what you are up to.
I found the adress on poets etc
..I think all the comments you have received are very positvely loveing and I hope you take them in the way they are meant (at least they way i think they are meant....)
i was stuck by your blog generally....
you seam to list what your are NOT eating and what you are NOT doing and I am begining to think you need to add to your list that you are NOT being kind to yourself

...I mean having a four day headacee/ migrane is positively cruel to yourself.....

I bet you wouldn't be so unkind to your dog.

what was you said about beating your head against a wall?

I am so sorry you are going through a tough time, and if I can help in any way...please e-mail me
love from Maggie

Lance Morrison said...

I try.

Callooh said...

ah Maggie... unkind to my dogs! (or my cats) never! I even take care of other poeple's pets, and houses, and gardens etc etc you get the idea....

head against the wall - 150 calories an hour - its how I keep my girlish figure (that and not eating anything!)

as for the migraine - I WISH I had a choice about that one...

thanks so much Maggie.

glenda said...

ah, callooh, take obviously have many friends...please use or create a support network of friends close to you when you can, hard to do when the walls close in and exhaustion sets in.
Love yourself, my friend.

Callooh said...

I do have great friends, I am very lucky. thank you Glenda.

Galactichero said...

Is this your art? 'Cause... uh... therapy. Therapy.

Callooh said...

yeah, yeah most of it- (the Pink Floyd stuff isn't)

and it IS (therapy - as is the poetry), need to do more and stop worrying about everything turning out perfectly....

uh... thanks.

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