Thursday, May 11, 2006

Here Sits the Bride .... da da de dum

You know this even looks a little like the wedding cake we served - May 11, 1991 - 15 years ago today.

Elegant, tasteful, and very edible (chocolate fudge bottom layer, carrot cake middle, can't remember the top), we sliced it up and served it at midnight.

May 11, 1991 -2pm. was printed on the original and artistic invitations.

It was a small and refined wedding. Beautiful (and I mean beautiful) day - if you could have ordered wedding weather, you would have picked mine. Not like today, cold pouring rain - would not want to get married today. (but hey, in the end the weather didn't make a difference in the 'grand scheme of things' anyhow).
Flowers - perfect, Dress - well DAMN it was nice, Wedding Party - dressed smartly, Photographer - excellent (we have a great photographic record of the day). Great people (about 76 - we knew everyone), lovely ceremony (played Ode to Joy), Spanking good reception, food and drinks flowing in just the right measure. My brother gave a brilliant Toast to the Bride Speech (everything from Ode to a Grecian Urn to my ability to apply lipstick while zipping my small stickshift through expressway traffic). My basically evil step-father even became 'verklempt' during his speech, leaving my brother and I completely speechless (he didn't give us a topic for discussion...). My new husband fumbled some, talked of 'ownership', hmmmm - he'd had a tough week and decided he could wing it (admittedly my brother is a very tough act to follow). Ah well.

Then a "Perfect Honeymoon" in Jamaica. We returned to our trendy, centrally located apartment in Toronto for what I can now see as the only really good year of our marriage.

My mother may never recover from the loss of her son-in-law. He's a great guy you see -
everybody loves him, really really. I mean if you met him tomorrow, you'd walk away thinking "hey, what a guy! I think I really could love him". My brother and I joke that our parents have always preferred the people we married to us - "boy were you lucky to find so-and-so, because they put up with you" (whew, I mean I was 26, I had old maid cat lady looming over me). She, and my step-father, both sent him emails to let him know he would always be apart of the family, and that they "loved him". I have yet to hear from my husband's family - other than a slight humming of 'ding dong the witch is dead' occasionally. I mean I married him because he is the great guy everyone likes. He was safe, he was steady, and finally I was doing something that seemed to make people happy! (yea me!) He had some bad habits (credit cards, and overeating) but with love and the right direction I could fix him. Yes, I was going to mold the man....

15 years, 1 apartment, 1 townhouse, 3 houses, 3 kids, 4 dogs, 3 cats, inumeralble 'pocket pets' and fish later - its over.

Today we are roommates. Today we didn't talk about the neon pink, purple and green flashing elephant in the room. Today we are "emotionally separated", working towards "physical separation" and "divorce". 15years - that's crystal you know, just when I was getting into the good stuff too. We've been together 20 years - basically my adult life. Why so long? There were several times I thought I should go - but I always stayed, out of fear - fear of going alone with 3 young kids, fear of the humiliation of divorce
(my parents did that, not me), fear of failing, fear of being alone, fear that no one would ever want me again. Fear. Fear. Fear. Anyhow everyone was crazy about the guy, jeepers I was lucky! (yes, right, thanks) I would be the wicked witch of the midwest if I dumped everyone's fav dude.

But I am.

We have to keep living together because I have no legal status (except as his wife) in the US and if I divorce him, I have to leave. Not that I don't miss Canada, I DO (funny phrase for this blog, don't cha think?). But after almost 3 years here, my kids are settled, I am settled again and I am trying to find a way to get a separation and not get tossed back to Canada and starting over again. If you had ever told me that I would be fighting to stay in the US at any other point in my life I would have laughed in your face, yet here I am doing it. Why? Because the kids are finally happy here, they have great friends, great schools, a good (yet very modest by this town's standards) life. And so do I, or soon I will. I also couldn't take the kids from their father (who has a career here) who they love, and move to another country.

and so sits the bride da da de dum - with no new crystal either
- although I do have a crystal ball, maybe now's the time to try it....

cheers everyone, sorry there isn't any cake.


Sothis said...

Sorry. Sounds like a hard day. If you need an American to vouch for you, you can count on me :). And if you need a place to get away from it all, you can always come here.

BTW, maybe your inlaws and parents can pay for all his screw ups if he is so great? And if you need it, I know some great Santeria--we can turn them into newts :)

Callooh said...


oh, and they have, about $40,000 worth so far .... (and counting)

the newts thing - let me get back to ya on that one.... ;-)

Gary said...

Happy sort of anniversary! What a journey - like much of life, it's messy but really does make sense if explored.

Kids count most. You're in a transition that's not over I suspect... and you're very smart and funny too!

Anonymous said...

Oh my dear are some sound words of advice "come back to square one, just the minimum bare bones. Relaxing with the present moment, relaxing with hopelessness, relaxing with death, not resisting the fact that things end, that things pass, that things have no lasting substance, that everything is changing all the time - that is the basic message". Starting over anywhere does not have to be a bad thing.

Callooh said...

Gary -
thanks, and kids have always counted the most and will always come first. I'm here for a reason - what that is - well, I sure hope someone is getting a kick out of, sheesh! Don't worry I will not lose my sense of humour, then I'd be in terrible trouble!

My dear cousin,
how very zen, I know -this too will pass- I repeat it daily (handy things prayer beads - note to self go visit tibetian monks again), even when things are going well - all is transitory (I even wrote a poem about that once) - change is good, it allows for rebuilding, from the foundation up, (watching the building come down can be a slight drag however, but it leaves me room to redecorate...) - thank you. :-)

The Future Was Yesterday said...

"That which does not kill you will almost certainly piss you off tremendously!!"
I wish you well.

Callooh said...

TUA - I'm not dead yet...
just slightly cracked... thank you.

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Callooh said...

graphics are my life! ;-)

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