Monday, January 15, 2007

messages

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.~ by Marianne Williamson





Friday, January 12, 2007

Home? for the Holidays


I just finished watching "Over the Hedge" with my kids - if you haven't seen it, you should, funny, wacky, with a nice environmental message slipped in, and Canadians dominated the cast (that's one thing we Canadians do - look for that sort of thing, and then go on and on about it, that and the weather). How do I know this, well of course we must watch all the special features at the end, one being all about the cast - are you ready? William Shatner, Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara, & Avril Lavigne - Bruce Willis? baahhh! (btw - the squirrel, that would be my son)

So what does a kid's movie have to with going "home"? Well there's the rub. Just where is home for me now? I am Canadian (can recite the Joe Canadian thing etc), very proudly so, still say 'zed' use Celsius and metric down here in Chicagoland, but really I have no place in Canada to call home anymore. When I was driving across the border for the first time in almost two years this holiday season, I was elated, I was HOME. I was dans mon pays (in my country), but I have no homebase. We moved so much as kids, and later I did on my own - let me see now (in order....)

Winnipeg - born
PEI
Hamilton
Nashville (less than a year, when my dad was teaching at Vanderbilt) - kindergarten
Grimsby (with my grandparents briefly)
Hamilton (couple of apartments) grades 2 - 6?
Dundas (a house!) grades 6 - 10 (2months of grade 10)
Thunder Bay (2 townhouses) grades 10 - 13
London (3 apartments) unversity
Toronto (4 apartments) unversity- work- got married
Mississauga - had baby
Yarker (oh gawd... outside of Kingston) had 2 babies
Cornwall - 4years, my personal record at any one address, and my last Canadian address.

just which place would I call home?

I've been here 3 1/2 years, and on my return journey with the kids this time, I kept thinking I just wanted to get home, and then doubling back on that thought. I have a social security #, an IL driver's license, and can legally work in the US now. I was suppose to get an RCMP check done while in Canada, but got so hopelessly lost in Kitchener (of all places) that after a hour I gave up. (the trip home could be 3 blogs, but don't hold your breath) The Canadian criminal check (I'm clean) is the last thing I needed for my Green Card here, so I can start my nursing IL registration, and get my divorce going, so I can start over in this country. Wasn't the time for it I guess.

So where is my home? Not at my mother's (at least not for more than 48hrs every 2years!), no one city holds me emotionally(except maybe Toronto), but Canada does hold my family, almost all of which I got to see in my trip. Most taking huge chunks of their time to drive out to where we were, just for one evening. My children were beyond thrilled, and I still am so touched I can hardly express it. (actually my oldest daughter was completely entranced with my cousin's boyfriend, she has just recently stopped going on about him....). In that way I felt so proud even to be a small part of such a marvelous extended family.

Still I am now a guest in my own country. I have made a family for myself and children here, and they are wonderful as well. We were surrounded at Solstice, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day - and missed a brilliant annual family party New Years Eve - me with the chicken head, very classy event.... (but I was with my brother and his family). I have warm loving adults who are not 'substitute aunts and uncles' but safe adults other than me for my children to seek council from, and houses to go to when needed, and their children come also come here.

Still I feel adrift. I would like to stake out one place, and say "this is mine" this is my spot on this planet, where I will make my mark. Perhaps that's what 2007 will be about for me, or perhaps it will be another year of learning patience and tolerance - time will tell.

In the end, home will be where my children and I end up, and wherever that is, we will make it our own.